the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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