just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He had one of those small greek statue penises
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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