So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
