I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
