I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
