This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
