I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
