You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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