So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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