I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
