i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
