god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
