life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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