You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
