I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
