he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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