she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
