matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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