just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
