tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
