You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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