so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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