Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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