I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
