it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
