i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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