McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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