how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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