Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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