Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
