Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
