i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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