Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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