Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
