I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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