God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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