Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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