You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
