pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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