youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
