the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
