he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I need to calm my uterus...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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