does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I had to cum in my sink.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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