You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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