You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
my sisters under your porch take her home
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
