when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
