i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
