I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
