Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
just found out that she named her cat after me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
