dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
